The Takeover

(this should be read after taking a look at Dave's comment on my last post)

With apologies to my mom and dad, here goes:

First, something we both agree on: "comperable" is not the right word to use.

But if we are going to compare these two schools, let's at least do it right. Your boys play in the Big Ten, a.k.a. the "4th and 1, three clouds of dust, and hopefully a good punter" conference. We're in the SEC, a.k.a. the "knows eleven teams when it sees it, and allows UGA to beat up on them" conference. We aren't playing the same teams each year. You have two teams (Indiana and Northwestern) in your conference that are about than 150 games under .500. We have a team (South Carolina) that's a few good seasons away from reaching the .500 mark. You get to beat up on these teams every season. While we're busy taking on Tennessee, you get to take on the 2nd or 3rd best college football team in Indiana. It's too bad we've never played a Big Ten team and you've never faced one of us. And it's almost tragic that our two teams have never met.

(wait for it...)

Oh, we have.

And we are flat out killing the Big 1(11)0: 7-2, and we haven't lost one since '57. That comes out to a conference winning percentage of .778. This is far ahead of your record of .685, as well as the .732 of Michigan, who is clearly the dominant team currently in the conference.

On the other hand, OSU is consistently sent home crying by the SEC. You are 3-8-1 all time against the only conference that matters, and you've gone winless for eighteen years. This record of .292 would drop you right between UK (.315) and Vandy(.256). These two teams happen to be two of the only three SEC teams you have ever defeated.

Going by the all-time percentages, if we were in the Big 10 or 11 or whatever, our record would jump from 692-372 to 784-280. While being part of the SEC would cause your record to plummet from 775-300 to a paltry 532-543. Yuck. Maybe we should join you guys, and the Big "10" can finally get the 12th team it's been begging for. Or maybe it's not worth playing football in obscurity no matter how many more games we could win.

But the only time you're guaranteed to be facing a decent team is a bowl game. In these games, your record is a sub-par 17-19, or .472. We, on the other hand, are sitting pretty at 21-16-3, or .563. But, I guess that's what happens when you're forced to leave the football mecca that is the Midwest.

We could also look at the teams we choose to consider our rivals. These are the games where heart and emotion come into play. These are the games where you leave it all on the field. And your "all" leaves a lot to be desired. Your .412 winning percentage against Michigan is a record only Tech could love. Our record against our big rivals: Auburn, Tech, Tennessee, and Florida is a combined .538. And you're lucky I'm counting Tennessee but not Clemson. (You remember Clemson, right? If not, just ask your beloved Woody.)

Maybe we should just look back at January 1st, 1993. Until the next time we face the Mountaineers and beat them by 70, Ohio East has the trump card on us that they've beaten us the only time we've played. Well, you've had a teenager to think about what we did to you in the Citrus Bowl, and all you can come up with is this: four measly wins from your coach (who left in disgrace) more than our coach (who retired after beating yet another Big "However Many" team to pursue being full time A.D. because he accomplished all he wanted to accomplish), one National Championship with an asterisk beside it, and some wins that come from you playing inferior teams more often?

What I'm getting at is this: Don't come to me with that and mess with tUGA when you've never beat us, and when I have a picture of you wearing a Bulldogs t-shirt while a grown man is giving you a backrub.

"I've got the pictures, I've seen you"

* No one outside of Ohio thinks it was pass interference.

70-X-Takeoff

I understand that this is breaking some rules about suspense, but here goes:

At some point I'm going to make a list of my favorite football moments, but I'm telling you now that Number One is going to be Michael Johnson's catch in the 2002 game against Auburn.

You may be wondering why I am bringing this up now. If you are, you obviously have no idea how often I am thinking about this game.


Ho-Fish: Erin Schmitt. Freddo, I'd like to think that my joke was too "Arrested Development-esque" for you to get. But maybe you're paranoid that I don't appreciate how awesome your wife is just because she's from Florida. Either way, sorry about the confusion but your wife is more than worthy to receive this prestigious award.

OK-Chicken: The UC Bearcats. I stated earlier my excitement for the scheduled UGA/UC football games. Well, UC must have heard of my joy, because they immediately cancelled the games. They claim that if they are going to play a team of our caliber, they want to play someone from the Midwest, such as OSU or Michigan. I'm not sure what changed between when the games were scheduled and now, but the location of Athens hasn't.

An apology...

I now realize that my last post should have obviously been titled: "Nick Lachey's Year Just Went From Bad To Worse." I dropped the ball because I was keeping with the theme of quotes that amuse me but don't relate to the subject of the post. I'm still new to this.

Do you think it's weird to master the harmonica without telling anyone?

This seems to be the best way to start an entry about March Madness on a blog devoted to God, football, and music: "One Shining Moment" is crap. It's just a horrible, akward song to be playing over basketball highlights.

Now, on to the weekend.

This is probably the one weekend since I've been living in Cincinnati that there wasn't anywhere else I'd rather be for sports. I was driving home on Friday after Xavier had won its conference quarterfinal game. A caller was joking with the host imagining if Xavier won the tournament and entered the NCAAs as a 10-seed and Cincinnati was relegated to the NIT. Cut to Saturday night, where I'm waiting on a table at Don Pablo's. I look up at a TV just in time to see Justin Cage make a huge block to give Xavier an automatic bid. (By the way, a game winning block beats a game winning shot hands down, and if you disagree, it's only because Jordan never did it) Cut to Sunday night, where I'm sitting on my bed with a stomach ache watching the selection show. As soon as I realize that UC didn't make it, I immediately run to my radio to hear the local outrage. My favorite quote of the night: "RPI.com has just gone out of business! RPI.com is officially out of business!" I'm not totally sure what therapeutics research has to do with UC not making the tournament, but I'm not an expert on the local sports scene. I always look forward to the day-after-the-tragedy radio here. After the Bengals season ended in literally the worst way possible, the speculation was classic. Today was no different. But nothing could top this exchange between a local sports host and a national sports writer:

Host: "So how is the outrage about UC being snubbed playing out across the rest of the nation?"
Sports Writer: "There's not much outrage. They've spent fifteen years hating UC and that's not something that can be turned around in four months. You are a...I don't want to say sympathetic because that sounds belittling, but UC has become a sympathetic team. But four months isn't enough time for that to overshadow fifteen years."

It takes all of the joy out of kicking someone when they're down when it's already been perfected.

Ho-Fish: Jim Nantz for not letting up on Craig Littlepage when he gave non-conference strength of schedule as a reason for so many mid-majors making the tournament over the majors. Tell us that you didn't want nine teams from the Big East in the tournament, and tell us that you weren't willing to say no to George Mason because their AD was on the Selection Committee. But don't tell me that Air Force made it over UC because Air Force got beat by Washington and UC simply played Memphis, Vandy, LSU, and Xavier.

OK Chicken: The afformentioned Littlepage as well as Billy Packer. I couldn't have been the only one who knew of the Arizona/Wisconsin matchup before the Minneapolis region. That's because when Nantz asked him what matchup he was looking forward to in the D.C. region, Packer immediately brought up the matchup which hadn't even been announced. I felt a little like I did watching Keith Jackson call the Rose Bowl.